My husband and I had a huge fight recently. Huge. It was one of those cyclical arguments where the point got lost after the first ten minutes, and the other fifty minutes were rounds of jabs, stabs, and cuts (with words, of course). Needless to say, it was ugly!
There was no resolution to the argument that night. Sorry, folks. We typically follow the, “never go to bed angry” rule, but it was a no-go this time. Per the usual case whenever that happens, we woke up the same way we went to bed: upset and exhausted. Things were tense as we went about our daily activities…baby, work, school, dinner, etc. There was little to no communication between us. It was bad.
These extreme moments of strain are rare for us. When they happen, it takes EVERYTHING out of me. I can’t think straight, I’m in a terrible mood, and nothing seems to go right during my day. Life is hard and stressful. My husband often experiences the same thing. The longer the issue lingers, the thicker the tension grows. I hate it!
Within a of couple days we got the chance to talk and resolve things. All of the emotion had passed and we were both able to communicate more effectively. There were apologies, hugs, and words of support. Things were good again.
What I realized through all of this is that although things were off track, they way we were affected by the aftermath of the argument proves how strong the connection is between us. Things were intense and we felt it. When you join in holy matrimony with someone, your heart, mind, and spirits are uniquely tied together. It’s a powerful thing. A bond for life.
I love sharing a closeness with my husband and I recognize that it’s not to be taken lightly. Part of his soul rests in my hands. That’s a huge responsibility, but one I proudly carry. I hope to be reminded of that the next time we disagree (on such a major level). I expect that it will cause me to think twice about how I handle myself and as the Bible instructs, to be slow to anger.
Moral of the story: Marriage includes conflict. It isn’t always about roses and kisses. It’s hard sometimes and it takes work. But just like in baking a cake, after you’ve mixed together a bunch of different ingredients and made them work together, you get a sweet, yummy treat in the end!
If I had to offer any tips on handling conflict, I’d say remember to be respectful, listen to your spouse’s concerns (without your defenses up), and know when to pause or start over when things get too heated! Every couple handles disagreements differently. Get to know your spouse and find better ways to both approach and respond to them, in order to make dealing with disagreements more effective.
The Romance Wednesday feature of the blog is evolving! I am excited to present a new series on marriage entitled, “How We Make This Work!”
With the How We Make This Work series, I’m giving married couples a chance to give insight into how they work out common issues we all face on the other side of “I Do.” The goal is to show that despite what marriage may look like in the mainstream, there are many couples that are willing to put the work in to maintain happy, healthy relationships with their spouses!
Let’s meet The Goshas!
Cam and Lamar Gosha have spent four years on the other side of “I Do.” He’s an engineer and she’s a television writer-producer. They reside in the Los Angeles area with their adorable little boy named, LJ.
1) We make communication work by… talking everything out and really listening. My husband turned me into a better communicator. He likes to nip things in the bud and talk it out! I’m thankful for that in him. I didn’t always appreciate it.
2) We make child rearing work by… We discussed how we wanted to raise a child before we had a child. By the time our son came we had some basics of how we wanted to raise a child were covered. The nitty gritty of parenting is a day by day process of listening to each other and listening to our child. We have made the conscious effort to treat him like a person who has an opinion and a voice that we value. I’ve seen to many cases of kids just being along for the ride and we want our child to be an integral part of the ride of our lives.
3) We make our finances work by…being open about everything. If there’s a purchase that exceeds a certain amount, we need to talk about it. It’s a matter of respect for each other as well as respect for what we’re trying to build together.
4) We make romance work by…by flirting!! We are always flirting with each other. I text my husband just to tell him he’s cute and he texts me just to say he loves me. It’s the little things that keep romance alive and well in our house.
5) What advice would you give to a newlyweds (or even oldyweds!) on how to make marriage work?
The advice I would give anyone is know that marriage isn’t easy. People say that all the time but you don’t really know until you’re in it. When you are as mad as you can be at your spouse, stop and try to think of the last thing they did that made you smile. Remember the reasons why you said “I do”. It’s not always easy but it helps me to put things in perspective. Also, when you take vows there are three of you up there. You, God and your spouse. Keep it that way.
Visit Cam’s blog Bibs & Baubles to get the scoop on her daily life as a wife, mommy, and super fab chick!
Got some tips you’d like to share? Send a request to be featured to firstname.lastname@example.org and include “How We Make This Work” in the subject line!
I mentioned in yesterday’s post how much I really enjoy cooking and consider it a true labor of love. Shopping for the ingredients, following the recipe, revealing the finished product…I enjoy all that cooking for my family entails. It’s such a great way to show the one you love that you care for them. I think that’s why you eat out so much when you’re dating. Sharing a meal is an opportunity to also share your thoughts, feelings, talk, and connect. Love and food definitely go hand in hand!
With food (like in love), you’re in a vulnerable place. After putting your all into a meal, what if your sweetie doesn’t like it? Who wants to be open to rejection? Uh, not me! But that’s exactly what happened last night. Immediately after I was done with dinner, my husband proceeds to tell me that I should have added a little bit of this and a dash of that to make it better. He wasn’t mean about it or anything, but it definitely hurt my feelings (#cuetheawwws)! He’ does this often, which is my I call him the Suggestion Chef. He always has a suggestion for something I can do differently to my dishes!
It’s not that I can’t take constructive criticism, but dang…can you at least let me turn the stove off before you start critiquing?!!! He thinks I was being a little sensitive, and maybe I was. But like I said, no one wants to subject themselves to rejection, even in the form of food. After seeing the disappointment in my eyes, he came over, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and thanked me for making dinner. That made me feel better. Not to mention, he did in fact eat the meal! LOL
The moral to this story is that with love (and in food) we have to take pride in the things we offer to our spouses. In return, our efforts should be recognized by the other person. Mixing together key ingredients like patience, trust, and understanding make for a yummy marriage that’s healthy and good for you!