How an Argument Brought Me Closer to my Husband

My husband and I had a huge fight recently. Huge. It was one of those cyclical arguments where the point got lost after the first ten minutes, and the other fifty minutes were rounds of jabs, stabs, and cuts (with words, of course). Needless to say, it was ugly!

There was no resolution to the argument that night. Sorry, folks. We typically follow the, “never go to bed angry” rule, but it was a no-go this time. Per the usual case whenever that happens, we woke up the same way we went to bed: upset and exhausted. Things were tense as we went about our daily activities…baby, work, school, dinner, etc. There was little to no communication between us. It was bad.

These extreme moments of strain are rare for us. When they happen, it takes EVERYTHING out of me. I can’t think straight, I’m in a terrible mood, and nothing seems to go right during my day. Life is hard and stressful. My husband often experiences the same thing. The longer the issue lingers, the thicker the tension grows. I hate it!

Within a of couple days we got the chance to talk and resolve things. All of the emotion had passed and we were both able to communicate more effectively. There were apologies, hugs, and words of support. Things were good again.

What I realized through all of this is that although things were off track, they way we were affected by the aftermath of the argument proves how strong the connection is between us. Things were intense and we felt it. When you join in holy matrimony with someone, your heart, mind, and spirits are uniquely tied together. It’s a powerful thing. A bond for life.

I love sharing a closeness with my husband and I recognize that it’s not to be taken lightly. Part of his soul rests in my hands. That’s a huge responsibility, but one I proudly carry. I hope to be reminded of that the next time we disagree (on such a major level). I expect that it will cause me to think twice about how I handle myself and as the Bible instructs, to be slow to anger.

Moral of the story: Marriage includes conflict. It isn’t always about roses and kisses. It’s hard sometimes and it takes work. But just like in baking a cake, after you’ve mixed together a bunch of different ingredients and made them work together, you get a sweet, yummy treat in the end!

If I had to offer any tips on handling conflict, I’d say remember to be respectful, listen to your spouse’s concerns (without your defenses up), and know when to pause or start over when things get too heated! Every couple handles disagreements differently. Get to know your spouse and find better ways to both approach and respond to them, in order to make dealing with disagreements more effective.

How We Make This Work: The Grices

With the How We Make This Work series, I’m giving  married couples a chance to give insight into how they work out common issues we all face on the other side of “I Do.” The goal is to show that despite what marriage may look like in the mainstream, there are many couples that are willing to put the work in to maintain happy, healthy relationships with their spouses!

Let’s meet The Grices!

Hezekiah and LaTessia Grice are recent transplants from Jacksonville, North Carolina to Charleston, South Carolina. Hezekiah is a Gunnery Sergeant for the US Marine Corps, and LaTessia is an Administrative Assistant for the Marine Corps Community Services. They have been on the other side of “I Do” for four years, and are the proud parents of two sons, Christopher (10) and Matthew (1).

Before we get to their interview, please join me in THANKING this military family for all of their hard work in serving and protecting this county. Work that often goes unnoticed. Behind every man or woman in uniform, there’s a family – and we should be here to support them all. Thanks for all you do!

1) We make communication work by… talking everything out with each other. Sometimes it may be a hard task especially when you are upset, but it’s really important that each person gets their point across when they have something to communicate.

2) We make child rearing work by… doing it our own way.

3) We make our finances work by… being good stewards over our money. We own everything we have and we also have discussions before making any big purchases.

4) We make romance work by…keeping the love alive! We try to go on date nights as often as possible. We also feel that making each other laugh is an essential part of our lives especially when you have kids. You have to make sure that you remember what it was like before the kids came, when there was only the two of you. When the kids leave there is going to be the two of you. Pure romance comes from the soul. So we try and keep the romance going at all times.

5) What advice would you give to newlyweds (or even oldyweds!) on how to make marriage work? Do what works for you. You can’t listen to everyone’s advice, because everyone’s situation is different.

Got some tips you’d like to share and want to be featured?

Send a request to be featured to theyeyodiaries (at) gmail (dot) com and include “How We Make This Work” in the subject line!

How We Make This Work: The Karim-Kinceys

With the How We Make This Work series, I’m giving  married couples a chance to give insight into how they work out common issues we all face on the other side of “I Do.” The goal is to show that despite what marriage may look like in the mainstream, there are many couples that are willing to put the work in to maintain happy, healthy relationships with their spouses!

Let’s meet The Karim-Kinceys!

Sabur and Ashley Karim-Kincey have been married for a few months shy of two years. They live in Sacramento, CA, where she works in advertising and he’s an Audio/Visual Engineer.

1) We make communication work by having the courage to be extremely honest with one another about any and everything. In a marriage. more often than not, couples confide in their friends as opposed to their mates. This lack of communication can create a rift in your relationship; and can ultimately be the demise. We take the time to think before we speak and allow one another to do the same.

2) We make our finances work by first giving our tithes and offering. Putting God first in our finances enables to make wiser decisions. We make sure to sit down together and develop our list of needs, wants, priorities and goals as a family; because our individual desires may not be in line with what God has for us at that time.

3) We make child rearing work by…There aren’t any little Karim-Kinceys at the moment. For now we are the proud parents of our fur baby – a dog named Steve. 🙂

4)  We make romance work by trying to keep things exciting and fun. One tool we use (that I borrowed from my girlfriend ;-)) is alternating planning date night, where one week I plan and surprise our date, and the other week Sabur does. Romance and intimacy is not all about sex. Some of the most amazing nights we spend together are us, just sharing and laughing about our day.

5) What advice would you give to newlyweds (or even oldyweds!) on how to make marriage work?

The advice we would give is to be willing to compromise, to listen to one another and to have fun. We believe marriage is forever, so it’s important to put in the work, but also reap the benefits of a healthy, loving relationship. As long as you keep God first and put your mates needs above your own, you will have a fruitful and enjoyable marriage.

Got some tips you’d like to share? Send a request to be featured to theyeyodiaries@gmail.com and include “How We Make This Work” in the subject line!

How We Make This Work: The Goshas

The Romance Wednesday feature of the blog is evolving! I am excited to present a new series on marriage entitled, “How We Make This Work!”

With the How We Make This Work series, I’m giving  married couples a chance to give insight into how they work out common issues we all face on the other side of “I Do.” The goal is to show that despite what marriage may look like in the mainstream, there are many couples that are willing to put the work in to maintain happy, healthy relationships with their spouses!

Let’s meet The Goshas!

Cam and Lamar Gosha have spent four years on the other side of “I Do.” He’s an engineer and she’s a television writer-producer. They reside in the Los Angeles area with their adorable little boy named, LJ.

1)  We make communication work by… talking everything out and really listening. My husband turned me into a better communicator. He likes to nip things in the bud and talk it out! I’m thankful for that in him. I didn’t always appreciate it.

2) We make child rearing work by… We discussed how we wanted to raise a child before we had a child. By the time our son came we had some basics of how we wanted to raise a child were covered. The nitty gritty of parenting is a day by day process of listening to each other and listening to our child. We have made the conscious effort to treat him like a person who has an opinion and a voice that we value. I’ve seen to many cases of kids just being along for the ride and we want our child to be an integral part of the ride of our lives.

3) We make our finances work by…being open about everything. If there’s a purchase that exceeds a certain amount, we need to talk about it. It’s a matter of respect for each other as well as respect for what we’re trying to build together.

4) We make romance work by…by flirting!! We are always flirting with each other. I text my husband just to tell him he’s cute and he texts me just to say he loves me. It’s the little things that keep romance alive and well in our house.

5) What advice would you give to a newlyweds (or even oldyweds!) on how to make marriage work?

The advice I would give anyone is know that marriage isn’t easy. People say that all the time but you don’t really know until you’re in it. When you are as mad as you can be at your spouse, stop and try to think of the last thing they did that made you smile. Remember the reasons why you said “I do”. It’s not always easy but it helps me to put things in perspective. Also, when you take vows there are three of you up there. You, God and your spouse. Keep it that way.

Visit Cam’s blog Bibs & Baubles to get the scoop on her daily life as a wife, mommy, and super fab chick!

Got some tips you’d like to share? Send a request to be featured to theyeyodiaries@gmail.com and include “How We Make This Work” in the subject line!

Romance Wednesday: Our Anniversary Getaway to the California Desert

We had a fabulous time celebrating our fifth year anniversary in Palm Springs, CA over the weekend! In honor of that trip, I thought it’d be cool to share the deets on our stay, just in case you were looking for weekend getaway ideas! It’s important to take time to leave your environment (your house, your city, your county!) and simply reconnect. The money spent is always well worth it! We may not have been able to recreate our honeymoon with a big vacation every year, but that hasn’t kept us from traveling and having new experiences together. As always, we find things to do that are budget friendly and allow for us to still have a wonderful time!

Somewhere to stay:

We stayed in the Hotel California (yes, like the song!). This place was truly a desert oasis! It was like we were staying at a friend’s house for the weekend. The grounds and room decor were very warm and inviting. The hospitality was absolutely unmeasured! I kept calling them the “anti-hotel” because they do everything differently than mainstream hotels. Want to ride bikes into town? Free. A limo ride to dinner? Free. Snacks in the room? Free. Feel like swimming at midnight? Sure! The pool is open 24 hours.

The service was top notch and the place was spotless! I could go on! Read these reviews from TripAdvisor.com for more information. They are the number 2 rated hotel in Palm Springs. And they also happen to own number 1!

Hotel California
424 E. Palm Canyon Drive
Palm Springs, CA 92264
Rooms starting at $109 during the summer season

Something to eat:

I wanted somewhere nice, but not too upscale to have our anniversary dinner. At the recommendation of another hotel guest, we chose the restaurant Trio. This, hands-down, was the best dining experience we’ve had in a LONG. TIME. Our server was phenomenal and he actually made our time there enjoyable. The food was to die for and they even sent out a free dessert to celebrate our anniversary! I’m not even exaggerating when I say how awesome everything was here!

Trio Restaurant
707 North Palm Canyon Drive
Palm Springs, CA 92262
Click here for reviews on Yelp.com
Moderately priced ($$ category on Yelp)

Somewhere to play:

For our activity we went to the Palm Springs Aerial Tramway. I’d never done anything like this before! You basically board this tram that takes you 8,500ft above sea level to a mountain. It took about 10 minutes to get up to the top. Once you’re there you can walk the grounds, go on a nature walk, camping, or just enjoy the wildlife. The scenery was so beautiful and peaceful. And that’s a lot coming from me because I’m not that much a nature girl. The views alone were definitely worth the trip and it was a memorable experience!

Tickets are about $24 per adult.

This trip was relaxing, fun, and truly enjoyable. I wish the same for you the next time you and your sweetie look to get away!

Cozy living at the hotel

Hotel grounds

All smiles!

The view at 8500ft up!

Looking down from the tram

Growing our Love Tree: Five Years and Counting

Dear Husband,

Today marks the fifth year of us living in holy matrimony. Did you know that wood is the traditional wedding anniversary gift for the fifth wedding anniversary? No? Ok, good because I didn’t either! I actually find it quite appropriate though, and here’s why.

When I think of wood I think of the trees it comes from. Images of strength and fortitude come to mind when I think of trees. In so many ways, I see us too. The seed was planted on 8/18/06 and the tree of our love has been growing ever since; resulting in the birth of our sweet little Chocolate Chip adding her own branch.

We have weathered some storms but remain rooted in our faith like a 100 year old oak. Some friendships and relationships have fallen to the wayside like old leaves, but as with the changing of seasons, we’ll grow new ones. I hope that we continue to give each other life, just as trees offer oxygen to the environment. And much like the way a nurtured tree bears fruit, I pray that our marriage will do the same, as a result of us tending to and cultivating it.

I love you immensely and trust that our tree of love will always grow tall and strong,  never to wither.

Forever yours,

Me

Source: Google Images

Romance Wednesday: Food, Love, and Hurt Feelings

I mentioned in yesterday’s post how much I really enjoy cooking and consider it a true labor of love. Shopping for the ingredients, following the recipe, revealing the finished product…I enjoy all that cooking for my family entails. It’s such a great way to show the one you love that you care for them. I think that’s why you eat out so much when you’re dating. Sharing a meal is an opportunity to also share your thoughts, feelings, talk, and connect. Love and food definitely go hand in hand! 

With food (like in love), you’re in a vulnerable place. After putting your all into a meal, what if your sweetie doesn’t like it? Who wants to be open to rejection? Uh, not me! But that’s exactly what happened last night. Immediately after I was done with dinner, my husband proceeds to tell me that I should have added a little bit of this and a dash of that to make it better. He wasn’t mean about it or anything, but it definitely hurt my feelings (#cuetheawwws)! He’ does this often, which is my I call him the Suggestion Chef. He always has a suggestion for something I can do differently to my dishes!

It’s not that I can’t take constructive criticism, but dang…can you at least let me turn the stove off before you start critiquing?!!! He thinks I was being a little sensitive, and maybe I was. But like I said, no one wants to subject themselves to rejection, even in the form of food. After seeing the disappointment in my eyes, he came over, gave me a kiss on the cheek, and thanked me for making dinner. That made me feel better. Not to mention, he did in fact eat the meal! LOL

The moral to this story is that with love (and in food) we have to take pride in the things we offer to our spouses. In return, our efforts should be recognized by the other person. Mixing together key ingredients like patience, trust, and understanding make for a yummy marriage that’s healthy and good for you!

How does food play a role in your relationship?

Romance Wednesday: It’s Very Evident…

This song is a gem. It’s so special lyrically, that I don’t even have to write anything more.

All I’ll say to my husband today is, “It’s very evident, that you are heaven sent…”

“Heaven Sent” by Donnie (“The Colored Section” Album)

I swear I feel the spirit every time you I look at you
Cause I know that God is moving in my life
There’s a certain type of healing every time you look at me
And I know the feelings neither wrong nor right

It’s very evident that you are heaven sent
It’s very evident
It’s very evident that you are heaven sent
It’s very evident

Looking at the sun is like looking at your face
It blinds me sometimes
Laying on your chest is like being in the council of the angel Michael

It’s very evident that you are heaven sent
It’s very evident
It’s very evident that you are heaven sent
It’s very evident

Repeat

I’m riding with an angel on a wave of love
I’m riding so high, riding with an angel

It’s very evident that you are heaven sent
It’s very evident
It’s very evident that you are heaven sent
It’s very evident

Romance Wednesday: Be Adventurous!

My husband is a loner at heart. He’s an only child and although he does well in social settings, he’s most content being at home in front of his mistress…the computer. Hey, I married geek – what can I say?! I, on the other hand, love to be out and about, chatting it up with people. That’s why I’m a blogger! 🙂

Because he’s such a loner it’s been hard at times to get him excited about doing things outside of the house. We live in Southern California – the entertainment capital of the world – and yet we often stay at home on the weekends. What a tragedy! So, over the course of our marriage I’ve learned to simply take the reigns in the ‘activity’ department and find things for us to do together as a couple and also now as a family.

This summer I made a “Summer Activity List” of things I wanted us to do. You already know how much I love lists!

I wrote about five things on the marker board in our room without saying a word, because I knew the visual would be enough for him to ‘get it.’ Then after a couple of days I mentioned the list and suggested we started setting dates to do the activities.

Here’s a list of places I have on the list for us to visit:

The Grammy Museum
The Griffith Observatory
The California African American Museum
The Orange County Fair

All of these things are very inexpensive, if not free and relatively child friendly. We went to the Grammy Museum last Friday and had an awesome time! That place was made just for someone like me!

It’s always so rewarding for me when my husband turns to me on our way home and says: “Thanks babe, for planning for us to do stuff. I had a good time.”

You’re welcome, sweetie…you’re welcome.

Romance Wednesday: Can you hold me now?

There’s a song by Kirk Franklin entitled, “Hold Me Now,” that truly summarizes a lot of what I’ve been feeling lately. In some ways, I’ve been feeling beat down by life, in desperate need of a reprieve. A break. A change. Something.

I usually try my best not to let my emotions get the best of me, but the other night I succumbed to the stress I’ve been feeling about some things. I was overpowered by an intense flood of emotion and cried one of those agonizing-but-cleansing-wondering-when-will-it-get-better cries. I hadn’t done this in a long time.

Looking at me with a sense of helplessness, all my husband could do was hold me in his arms. He grabbed me by the hand, prayed over me, and kissed me goodnight. And at that precise moment, that’s exactly what I needed.

What I love about this instance was not the romantic element of it (there’s nothing pretty about the ugly cry…that’s why it’s called the ugly cry!). It was the fact that although he may not have had the right words, he did what he could within his power – in that moment, to make me feel better. There’s nothing greater than knowing, seeing, and feeling that your spouse is there for you when you need them the most.

Thank you, my dear husband, for literally…holding me up and holding me down.